the answer.

hello :) kinda vain, but, I was really inspired by hendrix's holga pics, so I took a couple..okay maybe like five before I changed into jammies. hehe, thus the self portrait :) does it look cool? (besides looking vain) the graininess, oldey feel & all? I hope so :) 

this sunday has been refreshing, to say the least. as busy as sundays may be, they're always a welcome end to a fulfilling week. 

i've come face to face with miss ugly again. i met up with her today, and inside we fought, miss "keep him safe" trying to come to surface, but of course the other half won. she always likes to fulfill herself and ride with the emotions, you know. what you feel, just do it. i was disappointed in myself today, only because I feel like I"ve failed someone, somewhere, somehow, in the space and ends of this majestic earth. I feel that somewhere, someone's heart is broken. rather, would BE broken...last week, i was crying my heart out over something, but today, there's a big hypocrite running around and she wears my name all over her chest.  in truth, my heart is so confused between night and night and transitioning between a time of immense hurt and perfect peace. somedays, its okay, and somedays it hurts intensely, and somedays i feel like my eyes are gaining interest in others, seeing qualities i admire in someone or character traits i never  which is so horrendously shocking to me because i truly am so fragile and hurt still and am disgusted by even liking boys because i think they're all jerks right now. its like jekyl and hide i tell you. i have a love/hate relationship with all the men of the universe. 

 satan is throwing darts that want to keep driving into my flesh. its not enough that they prick my epidermis, but they want to go deeper where they will hit veins and change the course of the way my blood flows. they hurt, but i swear like they're sugar coated because it feels so good sometimes. God and I are traveling on the road less traveled, singing beautiful melodies to each other and just basking in each other's presence, then sometimes I get this pang of A.D.D and I just say.. hold on God.. I think i see something cool over here!.. how sad. What could be greater than close fellowship with my Creator? THE Universe Breather?

 its just what i want, what i crave for.. but I know it would bring demise to my desire to grow away from self-fulfillment and striving for abandoning all to bring glory for the Unseen things. am I blabbering? maybe. 

all I can say is, I just desire for myself to be crucified so deeply that all I want is to know Him, and love Him, and live Him, and breathe Him. Just to be so consumed by him so that all this insecure nonsense and jealousy nonsense, and.. "oh my gosh, my heart is so confused" petty foolishness will just naturally fade. not because i'm forcing it to, or faking or psyching myself out for it to, but because something... Someone Greater has covered me. Extracted all those rotten things and instead replaced them with rivers of living water that will just add value to those and encourage those around me. I just long for a new beginning and I do apologize for any hearts I have hurt or may hurt. Whatever I am feeling right now, I just have to put it aside and I really do have hope in my great God, that if we are meant to be, we will be. But for now, I'm just going to keep as many hearts safe as safe can be, and put my emotions on hold until the time comes when I know its right...  There will be a niagara falls of love springing out from this little heart of mine I tell you! :) but I want to save it for that special man. (Lord willing). 

btw. Shane and Shane's songs are so extremely encouraging & amazing & incredible! Man, I love music I do I do! :) "You give me life," by Shane Barnard is just awesome. The girl makes it hott, baby! haha it sounds awesome. anyhoots, i'm sleepy. goodnight. :)