to the unloveables.

Confession: I vividly remember the day I jacked my mama's mascara.

I was 11.

And it was because a boy in my class told everyone else I was ugly. Right in front of my crush.
The next day, mr. meanie weenie noticed and asked, "um...are you wearing makeup?"
I looked him in the eye with my Dolly Parton eyelashes and said "NO."
And I never looked back.

Over the years, I"ve developed this complex insecurity where the absolute end was that I was ugly.
Even if my peers told me I looked pretty that day, or beautiful.. all I heard was, "yeah, but at the end of the day..girl you still ugly!" God LOVED ME. I knew this & could sing you every song about it. But it wasn't real. Deep down, I wanted to be the prettiest girl in the room so no one could tell me that I was ugly anymore. Just smack on the makeup so no one can see you in your squinty-eyed bare-faced morning glory. But we all know that's just a dream world. What did it for me was hearing a message about Moses by Francis Chan. Strangely enough, having NOTHING to do with beauty. It was when Moses was so afraid to lead the people because he had some sort of speech impediment.. he was gauging his effectiveness by his own might. Then the Lord spoke:

The LORD said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the LORD? 12 Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” -Exodus 4:11

God made me. HE formed my mouth! HE formed my face, my body, my heart & every vein even. And here I was telling Him that every square inch of it was UGLY. It wasn't overnight (in fact, I still struggle so much with it).. but, that message, that word from God began to change me. What woke me up was knowing that I am not the only girl who saw/sees myself this way. .... Though it was a comfort, it was also heartbreaking that I wasn't alone.

Hmm, maybe there was a formula? Maybe the girls raised with parents who told them they were beautiful all the time explains their insanely high-confidence? ..Maybe the girls who grew up in environments where affirmations were neglected explains their low self-esteem?

NOPE. All the same. Deep down, all girls are insecure about something. An overwhelming amount.

a few things I've heard in life:
"my eyebags are huge"
"i'm too dark"
"i'm too white"
"my eyes are too small"
& the #1, topper of it all......................... "I'M SO FAT."

disclaimer** this blog is as much for myself as it is for the girl telling herself she's unloveable because she doesn't think she's pretty enough. fyi ;D

I don't know who started it, how media infiltrated our brains so deeply, or exactly what point in time every girl wanted to look like Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, or a supermodel.

but what I do know is that we've been so deceived, lied to, and just outright tricked to what real beauty is.
& to any boys reading this (though i seriously doubt).... please, please  know that the things you say could truly scar a woman for life, or encourage her to embrace the way that God created her. be a man of uplifting words..remind women that having a beautiful heart is much more valuable than the 10 layers of makeup on her face.

 I still struggle with insecurities but i'm becoming more & more aware of how, as women.. we begin to manipulate relationships, destroy friendships.. and sadly, even, destroy our very own souls..

to be beautiful. to be loved. to be affirmed. to know that you're worthy. to know that someone cares.

Today I heard a 10 year old girl worrying about looking fat. She was no more than 70 lbs and skinny as a twig.

God help us.

something's. got. to. change.