Friday, July 11


i love it when God reveals things to me. about myself. i feel like i hide behind another me, far beyond the cross. i'm here, but, i'm also hiding behind ten million insecurities. worrying about my physique, my face, my hair, my reputation, what people think of me.. am i boring? am i too loud? not fun enough? my this.. my that. .. and all ten million of them are SO stupid. which is why i hate hate hate it when i allow satan to whisper those lies into my ear.. "you're worthless.." "he never loved you.. ," "you're ugly," "you were never worth a fight".. and so on and so on and so on. and i believe them. somehow, satan twists my memories into a fashion where the previously stated accusations just... "seem to make sense & fit." every failed friendship or attraction ... somehow is due to my own failures & my being "not enough." i listened to mr. greg laurie this morning and one thing he said that really stuck to me was: "the devil's single ambition is to turn you & me away from God, from all that is good." it's proven in John 10:10. i guess this is God's way of pushing me ever nearer & nearer to Him. it hurts so much, but i can truly say this is what i need. because I know these insecurities won't ever be cured overnight, but someday, I can stand in front of a mirror and be genuinely happy at what I see (even if I don't have ten million layers of "paint" on my face). the only one that can help me is His amazing love. He's been showing me that I've been closing off parts of my heart to Him, which is why theres still parts of me seeking to be filled.. when reallly.. he's just waiting to consume me with His love. i'm learning. still growing. the lesson i'm being taught lately is obedience. trust also goes hand in hand. God's been answering my prayers.. this morning i woke up to what already seemed like turmoil. i mean.. okay..that's an exaggeration. but for the most part.. i could say that I don't get worried or sad very easily, but.. today i did. and i guess mama min making me tell her just made me bawl like a stupid three year old :P haha... she wasn't even mad..its just her way of talking naturally..but.. i guess at that point, my herat just felt SO HEAVY. point is... i prayed for this.. an opportunity to trust, & obey..even when the solutions are nowhere to be found. and that's what I'm gonna do.

"what is in you, is greater than what is in this world." --i'm always gonna hang on to that.

in Him, we already have the victory. I just need you to keep rescuing me, Lord.



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