Lists.

For me, they're never pre-conceived; they just happen. I jot down lists for every absolute topic you can fathom. (wow, that totally just rhymed!! not intended; promise). At times when I feel my brain will burst into a noodly-mess, out comes the paper. and the numbers. for the intense weeks, even sub-topic-numbers. There are lists for places I'd like to see. Things I dream of doing. Craft ideas. Why some people are insanely ugly. (no just kidding).

Anyhoots; because I'm such a logical-minded person, decisions for me have to make sense. Most of the time, completely. The trouble is, my mind starts on one trail,  but it ends up in an endless abyss of ten million others. Its hard for me to think of just ONE thing at a time. So out come the lists. 

I know I'm not the only one who takes note of my wandering mind. My loviefluff (...cue gag) swears I have ADD. But he's also convinced that I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever known (..cue 2nd gag); even moreso when I don't have a single speck of makeup on and I'm shining in all my rosy-cheeked, oily, squinty-eyed glory. Maybe he has a thing for she-wolves & abnormally hairy people too. So I don't know if his judgment is truly spot-on just yet..

Anyway, I may or may not even have made a list concerning the subject of keeping a relationship or slicing it off forever. I'm telling you.... wandering mind! And could I really make a list spanning around 100 characteristics of "My Perfect Mate?" Yes. No. Maybe.Yes.

so...I've been wearing some retrospective lenses these past two weeks.
My life has been very wonderful, but boy, do I have some issues. 
the Refiner has brought to light sins that I have not truly repented of yet, ones that are forgotten about, ..sometimes things hidden so deep I never even knew they were there.
Its also pretty evident who holds the crown of my life right now.


ME. 
 

I feel a huge hole because Mr. Self-sufficiency has once again taken His place.
It turns my logical-thinking self into shambles when I wonder how God still sticks up for me.
and does all that He can do in His glorious power to ensure that I am in His grace. (Jer. 29:11-13),
even when I run in the other direction. Although I do the complete checklist (pray, devotions,...etc. etc.),
there's no meat to what I do because it's not being applied. So what's the use? Why be filled with head-knowledge when you put up walls to keep it from going to your heart? And out into your life?

End result: ..no results.


I make a measly attempt to draw up a list.
One entitled, "Why God loves me."

..I cannot even think of a single line.